My Miscarriage Story
Pregnancy loss is something you hope won’t ever happen to you. It is an experience that is different for everyone but is more common than we may realize. Did you know 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, though only 10% end in miscarriage after you have heard the heartbeat. Unfortunately, we were in that 10 percent. It’s been a month now and I am ready to tell my story. I don’t want anyone to feel alone. It’s time we normalize speaking about pregnancy loss.
Firstly, talking about miscarriages in between children is not common. Parents are often asked when the next child is coming. This can be difficult for a parent who has gone through the loss of a miscarriage after already having a child. It has been ingrained in humans to think this way because society has painted a picture of the perfect family having two or more children. It is so important to be sensitive when speaking to parents about family planning.
My story
I was 13 weeks, 6 days when I miscarried. I had spotting for two days and on a Sunday night it got heavier. I called my midwife and she talked me through the reasons this could happen. She requested a rush ultrasound which meant in 2-3 days. The next day I got a call at 2:30pm from the hospital saying they had a cancellation, and we can get you in an hour if you can make it. Conrad and I left right away and drove to the hospital.
The ultrasound started and continued with no conversation. The technician said she would be right back. We knew that wasn’t a good sign. The doctor came and said “I don’t have good news. The baby doesn’t have a heartbeat. This baby was never destined to be here. It didn’t grow since your 7.5-week ultrasound and it’s most likely a chromosomal abnormality (which is very common).” Tears started coming down my face. No one can prepare you for that moment. I was told hopefully my body will let go naturally or I will have to go in for a D & C (Dilation and curettage is a surgical procedure used to remove any remaining tissue from the uterus after a miscarriage).
We got into the car to drive home. Shocked, emotional, disappointed, and confused. What just happened? I have thought I was pregnant for over 3 months and now I am not. What is my body going to do next? I had so many questions and feelings. We pulled into the driveaway after a 35-minute car ride, gave each other a kiss and all of a sudden, my body let go. The seat was full of blood and I rushed to the shower. I miscarried for almost 2 hours. I won’t get into too much detail but it was something else. My body had to release 14 weeks of blood build up, tissue and a placenta that was growing.
The next day I thought that was it, but my midwife mentioned I should have been in more pain. It’s usually like being in labour and that’s a pain you don’t forget! That night at 2am my body released more, and I had labour pains for an hour. My body was getting rid of more tissue and blood clots.
My body did it, naturally. I still don’t know why my body held on for 7 weeks when I wasn’t pregnant. Some friends tell me my body is such a good host and fought hard that I should see the beauty in that. At the time, that was hard to see. I feel so lucky my body let go after I got answers from the doctor. It’s like my body knew, ok now you know, I am going to let go now. It would be a different feeling & experience if I didn’t have that ultrasound. That doesn’t make grieving any easier though. Loss is loss and now my body is in healing mode.
Post-pregnancy loss healing
Healing is very important and I wanted to share what the professionals have recommended to me. Please note, everyone is different. Every human body is different, and this is my personal journey and recommendations. A week or so after, I had to do blood work to check hormone levels to ensure they were going down. 0 means the body knows it’s not pregnant. I made an appointment with a natural path doctor to help with the healing of my body and mind. I felt that was right for me. Post miscarriage recovery is not about trying to heal the body faster. It’s about nourishing the body as it heals. I started taking Ferrapro which is an Iron + B12 vitamin and vitamin D. Protein is very important so I focused on protein rich foods. I don’t eat meat, so I cooked a lot of tofu, lentils, beans, eggs and ate dairy. My naturopath made me some custom loose leaf herbal teas. I did acupuncture and started exercising harder once my body felt better.
I focused a lot on myself for the next month and dove into my work as that made me really happy. I was very lucky to have a lot of support around me. A few days after the pregnancy loss I had to think about all the people that knew I was pregnant. Gosh, I had just told my grandparents the day before it happened and now, I have to tell them they don’t have another great grand baby coming. Telling people was hard and it made it more real. I had so much love I felt lucky and overwhelmed all at the same time. I couldn’t imagine being alone with no partner, family or close friends. This is why I wanted to share my story. I don’t want anyone to feel they have to tell their story. I know that is part of my grieving path and process. It’s my way to honour the little bean I saw in ultrasound pictures. This is just what I needed to do and it resulted into something bigger. The day this blog is posted I also have another blog post I wrote on Eco Parent about pregnancy loss. Eco Parent is a North American Magazine for families that want to make healthier and greener lifestyle choices. It’s the first ever miscarriage article on their website. I am proud to be able to share my story to provide support for anyone that may need it.
It’s been a month…I randomly cry. I see someone pregnant and I get triggered. I often have thoughts of what if I will never have another baby. Quinn will ask me if mommy still has a baby in her tummy and my heart sinks. What if I run into someone that knew and I forgot to tell them? I am allowing myself to take the time I need and to know that maybe I am ok today but I may need support in the future. To everyone reading this that has gone through pregnancy loss, you are never alone!
I am entering into the next journey of thoughts. What will my body do next? Am I destined to be a mother again? What is my life going to look like in 5 years? I have so many questions and feelings and guess what, that’s ok!
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. It’s a time to come together and normalize the conversation.
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